Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Through it all

[Put's apology about how I haven't blogged in forever here]

Now that that's out of the way, let's just get to the point.
Today I realized my life is not getting any easier.
Over the last couple of months there have been so many things I could write about, things that God has done that I will forever praise Him for and things that I'm still wondering why God has put or taken out of my life.

There is so much; I wanted to put some of the highlights, but I didn't even know where to begin. I just don't even want to talk about it.  There is stuff going on this very moment that is making me sick and giving me anxiety and also things that bring joy to the deepest part of my heart.

But here's the thing, it's getting to the point that every morning I get up, I don't want to get out of bed. I couldn't says it because I'm depressed or anything - but every now-and-again I have that day where my heart can't stand the thought of just going through the day, or I'm crippled by fear and just want to stay asleep all day long, hoping that is good enough for God.  But mostly, I just really don't want to get out of my cozy bed and start school or work (even though I basically have the best job in the world).  Because let's just face it, sleep is one of my top five best friends.  But, regardless how I wake up feeling,  I remind myself that God has not only awoken me at this exact time, but also has awoken me for a purpose. That in this one day, God has a divine plan for me.  If I succeed - woots for me; If I fail, I learn a lesson and build character - God molds me into who He wants me to be.

Everyday I wake up knowing that my soul purpose on this earth is to bring glory to God in any way I can.  It might sound bland, but think about it.  All this world has to offer is temporary;  God is eternal. There is nothing that can compare to God's plan or purpose; no dream or earthly desire. And yet, I find myself demanding God for answers.

But this month-ish, I have just.....let go. I'm trusting Him. There was no grand moment when I laid it all down. Maybe it was just through all my prayer, I didn't notice the little changes in my heart. Then I got to this point I have been praying for everyday and I didn't even realize it. I just one day noticed that my mindset and attitude had changed.  - Through it all, God knows.  God will protect me, love me, hear me, and no tear will go unseen.  I will never be alone. - I knew this before, but I didn't let it affect me. Now, I am.


  • “O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways” (Psalm 139:1-3). 


  • “Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all.” Psalm 34:19
  • 1 John 4:7-8  "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love."

  • Psalms 66:19-20 (NASB) "But certainly God has heard; he has given heed to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, who has not turned away my prayer nor His loving kindness from me. "
  • Psalm 56:8 (NLT)  "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle You have recorded each one in your book."

  • Isaiah 41:10 ESV 

    "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." 

Through it all my eyes are on Him. My purpose. My Reason. 

Songs that inspired this blog: 
It is well - Bethel Music - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNqo4Un2uZI 
This is living Now - Hillsong young + Free  -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFR-tV2whAU
(And yes, believe it or not) Purpose - Justin Bieber - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6uNCSVhPmE

Friday, September 11, 2015

He heard you, and He's working on it.

So, once again, I am sorry. For those of you, if any, wait every Friday for my blog post, you have been waiting for a longgg time.  So, sadly I am taking my posts down to (hopefully) every other week. Not on a planned day.

The reason that I haven't been posting is because I have been doing a lot of personal writing. God has been doing so many things in my life and maybe someday you'll hear about them, but as I go through them I just need everything to make sense in my own head before I go telling all you guys.

My Journal has been filling up like crazy lately, and tonight (it's 2:16 am - technically this morning), I just finished writing an entire page, a good one if I might say, when I decided to read through some of my earlier entries.  I had started this journal around the beginning of 2014. At first the topics covered normal teenage journal stuff, such as boys, make-up, drama and home life. Then it shifted to my devotional notebook;  a good chunk of this is bible notes, verses and prayers.

I just started to learn how to pray; well not really. But theses pages were filled with the first intimate, personal prayers that came from me, all written in pink, green and orange gel pen.

Then I came across the last entry before the ink went black, literally. I stopped using the colored gel pens when my dad died, not intentionally - but if i had to make an intentional choice at the time, I think I would have gone with black anyway.

This last entry, a prayer written in neon orange, two days before my dad died:

        "5/ 27/14 
         Noah did everything the Lord commanded him." ~ Genesis 7:5 

       "God help me to be everything I am called to be - show me the path you have laid out for
        me so I can follow it. Forgive me of my sins, make me clean again. Keep me away from 
        temptations, and keep me clean. (*1) " Where you go/ I'll go/ where you stay/ I'll stay!
       with this life I'll lose/ I will follow you?" (*2) Keep my thoughts on what it good and
       right. Help me to remember you and your sacrifice. Help my family in our time of need 
      - that we would be close to you. Protect us with your power. (*3) Help me to become more
       like you, and have my life be a light for you. (*4) Help me in all I do and, please, Oh Lord,
       give me your peace that passes understanding. Give me strength and make me wise. (*5) 
       Help me through these next two weeks God. (*6)  I pray for my future husband and his
       family - that you would be there and help them. And let this dance go well and be fun.
       (*7) Lol, Amen

       This months Prayer list: (May - June 2014) 

    • Finals!! + Grades 
    • money (*8) 
    • Dad - his career
    • Stress relief for the whole fam 
    • Friend - (Don't want to name them for privacy reasons) 
    • ^
    • Shackleton's moving- (Better offer here?!?) (*9)
    • More guys at youth group " 

Commentary:
*1. Why do I sound like a 80 year old sunday school teacher? I really don't know. Not that there's anything wrong with that, except that I was 16 years old writing it. I'm just really missing the 90s okay?! ;)
*2. Chris Tomlin - I will follow you. (Hate to say it, but I'm really tiring of Chris Tomlin songs - It's kinda funny that this was his song.)
*3. All I can say is - Little did I know.
*4. This is where it gets crazy. That day at the beach, I just kept telling people that there was a peace that passes understanding over me. After this last year, I analyzed it and came up with: it was just shock. But, tonight, I'm re-thinking it.
*5. You can say it. The irony.
*6. There's the school mention! I bet you were waiting for that one.
*7. The dance that I wasn't able to attend at my friends church. I believe it was the day after my dad died.
*8. family finances. God's provision has been amazing.
*9. This was a good family of friends that were, and ended up moving to Oregon. (Btw, #stillprayingy4yalltocomeback)

I just feel like I needed to share. God answers, not in ways you expect him to. He hears your prayers; He's doing something in your life and working it out - you may just not see it. Don't lose hope.

I'm just going to throw it out there that lately I have been struggling with some anxiety; nothing too serious (no anxiety attacks or anything),  but enough to beg God to take it from me. Sometime last week I was having a tough night, and I asked God to bring me some relief., "I have been through so much and I just can't take anymore - I need a break." That's all I could think. Then I just got straight up mad. I just assumed God was ignoring me, that I wasn't important enough to be heard and other ridiculous assumptions.

The next day, I was at Panera stu(dying) (lol) with my sister, when the song: "He Heard Me" by United Pursuit featuring Andrea Marie, came up on my spotify shuffle. I had never heard the song before - the first three lyrics of the song are "He heard you". The comfort that came over me was/is so supernatural. God knows. whattt.

He heard me, and He's working on it. I might not see it, but this is where faith and trusting the Lord comes in. The unknown is freaking scary, but all I know is that I serve a faithful, loving, just, jealous, forgiving, all powerful, and get this:  all-knowing God.  I may not know, but the One who leads me does.  Guys, I'm so excited to see what God has in store for my life - and I can't wait to see what he has up his sleeve for the rest of you.

God's in control - then why should I fear?





Tuesday, August 11, 2015

You are a conqueror!

I just want to put this out there. 

There are days when the devil puts all he has into wrecking it, or maybe it's been a week or even a year. But I just want it to be known that we as Christians are on the "already-won" side, that's right - it's not just the "last 3 years winning" side - it's the "battle is over" side. No matter what you face in your day-to-day life, if you claim Jesus you are a conqueror. No matter what the devil has planned, call on the name of Jesus and the devil no longer has power. 

Sometimes it might seem like the the devil is winning, and at times, if you let him, the devil can wreck a lot more than just your day. But guess what, God allows that to happen; but He allows it for a reason.  God painfully molds us into who He wants us to be. Let me tell you, if you are in a place where there is painful pulling and stretching into who he wants you to be, you will look back and see the old broken pieces of a sorry excuse for a jar - and thank God for making you into the, not-perfect, but beautiful jar that you will be. It's all worth it in the end. 

" Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding." - Proverbs 3:5 
"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." - 1 Peter 5:7 
"He says, "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." - Psalm 46: 10 

I felt like someone needed to know this, and I needed to write it. 
You are a child of the Kingdom of God. Claim it, proclaim it and take pride in it. 

Saturday, July 18, 2015

People

7 / 18 / 15
First off, yes I am a procrastinator; actually, I put the "Pro" in procrastinator. So, I am ever so sorry that I haven't been blogging - my summer has been jam-packed. But, without any further ado, here is a blog that has been sitting in my drafts for a while. ( Yes, I don't ever have time to write a new blog....)


4ish / ??? / 15
On my bike ride just a couple minutes ago, I had come to the conclusion that I hate people.
That was the only thing that I could come down to. Of course, I really don't hate people, I just hate their humanity. Now that I sound like an Evil lord trying to wipe out humanity (on that note, I saw the new Avengers movie today, it was amazing) let me explain myself, butttt, before that,  let me give you some important updates, that will be relevant to this blog.

  • Finals are in 4 weeks (well, that's 3 now, I guess) and I'm behind.
  • In a week, we are performing the play I have been co-directing.
  • Me and my friends just got through a bigger-than-normal drama episode (it's good now, but still some tension)
  • I got a new bike (just to end on a happy note; there) 
Okay, so back to the hating people thing.  I took this bike ride because my little sister was doing just that, being a little sister. You get the idea.  So, as I think about my day - it came to my attention that everyone I saw today wanted  A. to agitate/annoy me, or  B. nothing to do with me, with the exception of, like two people.  At least that's how it seemed. One of the "highlights" was when my mom insisted that I am depressed and maybe need meds because I have been "snappy" lately, a lot. I was just like, "Hi - my name is stressed, not depressed."  I won't go into detail about the other events that occurred  - so let's just skip to the part where I explain why I don't hate people. I just hate their humanity blah blah blah. The thing is sometimes we think that people are going to uphold our high standards; we think that people can be these things; like a superhuman image that is portrayed in movies, whether that's a superhero movie or a romance. Sadly enough, we were exposed to this lovely stereotype since we were born. 

But here is something I realized today, everyone I know has let me down or will. Typically the problem is something we all suffer from. A "disease" that we let affect our minds, decisions, and actions. Selfishness.  Or maybe someone has good intentions and then it all goes wrong. There are countless way people screw up, some of which we can't help because of humanity. Could you imagine what our world would be like without greed? Or lust? Or jealousy? Or _______. 

But with Jesus we can overcome our humanity. We will struggle with it as long as we are living, but this life can be won. Notice I said life, instead of day, because we can not win every battle - but the funny thing is, the war has already been won. You just have to pick the winning side. I'm not going to say that it's easy, because overcoming our humanity is our greatest day-to-day struggle. In order to overcome our humanity, we have to fill ourselves with Jesus - and that takes time. Picking Jesus has to become a habit. But even if we get to that point - we all fall short, it's our nature.

I don't hate people, I hate their humanity, I hate their sin - I hate my sin, I hate my selfishness and hate my own human nature. But, you know what the crazy thing is,  God loves me, regardless; and that's not all. God forgives me for falling short. You can be forgiven. Disgusting, filthy, sin-filled you and I, can be washed clean. All you do is confess and then ask for forgiveness. Thank God I don't have to suffer in my own humanity, thank God I have the choice to be cleansed and be filled with the Holy Spirit. Praise God. 

Sunday, May 31, 2015

It's Been a Year.

It's been a year since my dad lost his life. It's been a year since I saw my dad's ever-so-popular smile, since I heard him speak, since I spoke to him. I miss him.
There are so many things I want to spill out on to this page, so many, many things that are running through my mind. Bear with me, this might not be a blog that serves a purpose for you, but mostly for myself.  I want everyone to know how I feel and maybe in the process, help someone else who is grieving.

For those of you who are wondering how my family is, I can tell you we have had much worse days than TODAY.  It's actually not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Just typing that sentence is a miracle in itself. So I should thank you, all your prayers have not been in vain.

Today, a year ago, I witnessed the worst thing I could ever image. Actually, it was so far-fetched that I didn't even think something like that could happen to me or my family. I said I would post about the day my died on the one year anniversary - so I will. I'm not planning on it being too long, so if you feel like something is missing, you can read my blog post called "The Day At The Beach", that has all the "particular" details in it.  I think this would make more sense if you read that one first.

I was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. But as my sister friends, all of them my friends as well, arrived, we realized it was much hotter than we thought.  So I went upstairs to change - I picked out purple shorts with black details and a gray crop top with a multi-colored heart on it.  Inside, the heart said "Summer love".  I haven't worn that outfit since. I wore the top once, but not the shorts since that day, I threw them just the other day. I had time to change because my mom, who was the planned chauffeur and supervisor of the party, had thrown out her back just as people were arriving; so everyone was trying to figure out what to do.  My dad and a good family friend, Mrs. Corrigan - her daugher is one of my sisters best friends- volunteered to go in my mom's place. My dad went and changed into his beachwear, he put on a gray t-shirt, his swim trunks and a black cap. He was frustrated, but he was trying hard to be in a good mood for Brynn. He kissed my mom goodbye, something that didn't happen everytime he left the house, and we took off.

We took two vans, I drove in the car my dad was driving. He listened to his book on tape, while eating his favorite candy, cherry licorice. My friend and I were having I serious conversion, but I can't remember what. I remember zoning out for a bit, thinking that there was a weird feeling in the air; I shook it off.  We arrived at the beach and the wind off the lake cooled us a bit. As soon as we saw the water our chance of swimming was dashed. We talked about wading in the water, but we all agreed it was too cold, but maybe later. We decided to take a walk down the beach to take pictures. We did just that, we talk, we laughed and we posed. On the way back as we neared the spot where we had left my dad to watch over our things, one of my closest friends said "Guys, you wanna know something crazy?  Before I came to your house, my dad said "Be careful, a lot of people die in Lake Erie." We just laughed that one off. We got back to the main section and found my dad. As we walked past him, he smiled at us, you could tell he was trying to be friendly, but let us have our girl time. I joked "He's such a nerd;O" That might have been the last words I said that my dad heard.

We began to set up our towels in a circle so that we could all talk face to face. Then it happened; we heard someone scream for help. There was a moment of confusion, bystanders began to gather, then someone said to call 911. Someone screamed "MY BABY!"  The panic that arose in my heart is undesirable, it was so sudden - like a light switch. This was really happening. Me and my friends looked at one another. "We need to pray" I think I was the one that said it. But I might be wrong.  We formed a circle and I prayed, shaking, eyes closed. When I opened them, my dad was already in the water. I didn't see him go in, I didn't see his last daring act - the last time he stood on land. The panic in my heart grew, I didn't know what to think. This is where it starts getting blurry. I don't know how long we waited for rescue personnel to get there, but in that time I remember grabbing my friends and saying with what little breath I had, "That's my dad in there"..... "My dad" stuff like that.  I was in shock at that point.

Rescue personnel arrived and began clearing the beach of un-needed bystanders. They said my family could stay. Our eyes were glued to my dad.  My sister said that she saw my dad raise his hand for help, I don't remember seeing that. She left with some of our friends at that point, I know some of my friends stayed, but workers made them leave. I was alone a little bit. I told a rescue worker that it was my dad in the water and he said something into the walky-talky. I used my dad's phone, low on battery, to call my mom, she could hear the panic in my voice - although I was clear in what I told her, she kept saying that she couldn't understand me - so I had to keep repeating myself; the wind was so loud it made it so difficult.  She couldn't believe it. Then I told her I had to go after trying to get her out of the shock, I had to have told her the story five times. I hung up and called my grandma, she answered and I told her what was happening. I asked her to pray, I spent some of the time on the phone with her praying. At this point all I could manage to say was "Please Jesus" mentally and physically.

Mrs. Corrigan had found a way to join me on the beach, was comforting me, trying to get my to breath - offering a comforting touch - I didn't know how much that helped. I couldn't breathe - there was so much running through my head. I kept switching calls with my mom and my grandma. Every - now -and - again I think I would see my dad and freak out and scream "There he is!" - but then to find it was just a wave or a buoy. I kept imagining the rescue workers pulling him out of the water and he would be okay and I would run to him the the water and hug him and how much things would change that he almost died. The hope. Oh wow. I can't say how much I would give for that.  I was crying, but without realizing it - I can barely describe it. I can't tell you how many times workers came up to me and asked me where I last saw my dad. I was happy to help, and told them the same spot each time - they couldn't see him - I couldn't anymore either. When I was on the phone with my grandma, she began praying in tongues and I thought she was breaking up with me. I laughed about it. I can't believe I laughed.  I was hardly in control of what I was doing, I was in such a haze.

They pulled someone out of the lake. I kept asking "is it my dad?!" over and over. It was the girl he went in to save. "It's not my dad" I think I said it out loud. I was so - there was no emotions that I can compare it to. My knees gave out ; I just felt, sobbing like I have never before. It's still so surreal to me. Mrs. Corrigan knelt beside me, comforting me. Then the water came up and got my purple shorts with black details soaked. It was the "get up" I needed. I got up and I told Mrs. Corrigan and the officer they had assigned to me "I need to be with my sister, she needs me." That was the moment the Big sister kicked in. The feeling of responsibility. They took me off that God-fosraken beach, up to the parking lot were my sister was waiting. She looked at me, hopeful - even though her tears streaked her face. Then she saw my face, we didn't need to say anything - she started crying. The pain that engulfed my heart, good lord. It still hurts. I tried to hug her, but it was cut short. I can't remember why.

Mom and my brother and uncle and aunt showed up, followed by my grandma and aunt and other family, as well as pastors from our church. My younger brother was at a friends house and didn't find out till later that night.  Some friends were able to get in to the parking lot and see us. The moms of the friends that were there stayed with my mom, we were never alone- and that was good. My mom, brother and sister and I were waiting in the van. It all felt like a movie, there had to be like 3 fire trucks, 4 ambulances, a ton of cop cars, a rescue boat, a helicopter and people everywhere. The press was across the street.  You see this kind of stuff on the news everyday and you never think it could happen to you. But it happened to me. I keep walking back and forth from the van to the water fountain to fill up my fiji water bottle. It was so windy, I was freezing and exhausted. I just wanted to stop thinking. Someone gave me a blanket, but it was so thin it did nothing. I just wanted to sleep. I laid it the back seat of the van trying to take a nap, I still had hope. But as I was unsuccessfully attempting to sleep, my uncle - a paramedic, who was helping with the search for his brother - came over to the van to talk to my mom. "The water's cold, but not cold enough."  What do you mean?" my mom asked. "If the water is cold enough it can preserve someone's organs so that they have a better chance that they could be resuscitated. But the water's not that cold and it has been so long......" I knew. My dad was dead and there was no hope. I gave up on taking a nap. My mind was two thoughts away from bursting open.

Soon after,  two officers pulled my mom and grandma aside, on to the grass. We watched from the car as they told my mom that they were no longer looking for her husband, they were looking for his body. The image is burnt into my mind, my mom falling to the ground, like I did, but slower. My grandma trying to hold her up, but then falling with my mom in pain. Let me tell you something worst than the feeling of grief, which - if you can take my word for it- is the second worst feeling on the earth. The worst feeling in the entire world is seeing the two people I love most it this world, hurting like that. I wish I could have plunged my hand into my chest and ripped my heart out. That would have hurt less then what I was feeling in that moment. We talked, and waited - came up with a plan for that night. Just as we were pulling out of the parking lot, the same two offers came up to my moms car window - they had found his body- it had just washed up on the beach. My heart fell. broken. crush. ruined. Shattered. I didn't want feel.

One year ago, I drove away from the worst day of my life.

This year has been.....the worst year of my life. But there was. so. much. good. laced with all the bad.
I just want to say thank you, without your love, support and prayer this year could have been...oh my word - you have no idea. Thank you, thank you,  thank you.

My dad was a hero, he was an extraordinary father, a faithful and loving husband, a wonderful and caring son, a beloved brother and a world-class friend. He was a man after God's heart, blessed with wisdom and leadership. He was blessed by God with so many talents. He was the wisest and kindest person you could have ever met. He was a rare kind of man that I took advantage of sometimes. All my life I will look for a man that loves the lord with the same passion that my dad did. My dad left a legacy that will live on and on. He will never ever be forgotten. He was a man of the utmost significance.

I look forward to the day when my dad welcomes me into eternity. I know he is with both is heavenly and earthly father. He is in a place with no more pain, no stress, no tears. He is witnessing new colors and worshipping our God is his divine presence. Glory to my Savior in the highest. For He is mending my seemingly "un-mendable" heart. He is holding it in his hands and slowly sewing every shattered piece back together; whispering words of his unfathomable love into every stitch. Glory to God in the highest.

Monday, April 13, 2015

Spring?!!?

Well, It's finally here. The sun is actually shining and I am happily wearing flip flops.  Believe it or not,  I'm sitting in Jump park (a local hang out) this very moment, feeling that sun on my back and listening to the kids play.  Spring.  Thank God.

There is not much to say about this week, just trying ever so hard to balance my social life with school - that I am behind in - but let's not worry about that. I'm sitting in a park!  Just that one sentences brings me joy in itself. Today I want to bask in the joy of the Lord soaking in His creation.

Most days, we all get caught up in the never ending cycle of day-to-day life. We get up, get ready and go, whether that's to work, school, taking care of the kids; whatever we have to do. We stick to our routines and go through the day without a thought.  When is the last time you took a day, an hour or even a minute to bask.  Just to sit down and breathe, and realize it all. That you're breathing, that you're alive, that you have a home and family and all that you need to live. All the Joy.  All this, that God has given you.

Maybe you're having one of those days. You do not want to hear anything about God for whatever "it's the end-of-the-world" reason or reasons you have. Trust me when I say, I have those days too. We all have those days where you just want to throw your fist up in the air and scream at God. We curse him and question him ;  "Why God, why did you put me in this situation, why did you do this and that and not ANYTHING about that?"  We forget what has been done for us and what has been given to us.

I had one of those days about 2 months after my dad died. One of my brothers set me off and I ran away and sat in the common area (a big field in the middle of our neighborhood).  I sat by one of the trees and sobbed uncontrollably.  This is what I journaled into my phone:
It's like my tears get lost in the wind - the wind. I have always loved the wind - but I don't know anymore, it was so windy at the beach that day.  I tried to call [his voicemail], but it was already erased. I can't ever hear him talk to me again.  Everyone said we would be okay and we're strong. nope; just, why." 
It was a pretty big bad day.  I knew that my family had been forever changed and that the people I knew before, the person that I was before - were never coming back. I hated that. But as I was sitting there shaking my fist, two deer came out of the woods.  One of them came up so close to me. Then I realized that I had stopped crying. I actually felt a little better.

If you're having a bad day, look out the window - look at what God created for you. Then look back inside, in your home, look at your family, look at your things.  Feel the air fill your lungs and remember you're breathing. This life is a gift, with a purpose. So for right now, take a second and bask.

( It has come to my attention that this sounds like a Hallmark card, and for that I am sorry. I don't feel like re-writing it so....yeah, sorry.)

Monday, April 6, 2015

He is risen.

Happy Easter everyone! I hope you had a lovely day! Well,  judging by a lot of your facebook posts, you seem to be. Post after post of happy, laughing faces- mom's and daughter's, dad's and son's, grandparent' and grandkid's. Seeing them makes me happy; knowing that people are with their family. 

Last nights, as I layed in bed, it hit me that tomorrow was a holiday. If you haven't noticed, I hate holidays.  Since my dad died they have seemed to go all wrong. So when my mom woke me up with a change of plans and then my brother came in flipping the light on and off to tell me to get out of bed, you can imagine that I was not happy. There was some scheduling conflicts that lead us to miss church, which disappointed me. But I chose just to keep my mouth shut and try and drag through the first Easter without my dad. 

After our annual jellybean traill to our basket and a surprise visit from the easter bunny (some kind soul(s) hid eggs in our yard - thank you for that whoever you are), we got ready, while unintentionally consuming a potentially deadly amount of sugar, then got in the car and headed for my grandma's. 

This car ride was every eventful, at least in my mind and attitude and made me realize new things. As we were nearing my grandma's house, with David Crowder as our church worship playing in the background, my mom began to share about an article that she had read the other day. This article was about a missionary family that, at the time, was in Africa. While they were there they lost one of their daughters, she had just dropped in the yard and died. (It didn't say what happened to her or how she died), but her mother, a doctor, tried to resuscitate her.. After some time, the family knew she was gone, but being in the middle of Africa with nothing around for miles, they had to wait for 3 hours for authorities to arrive. And what do you think they did in those 3 hours? They worshiped God. The dad said that is was the only thing that he could do with his daughter now - worship God together. At this point I had chills. My mom went on, not realizing that this really hit me. Around that point I kinda just zoned out a bit, I still heard what she said next, but not taking it all in. 

Let me tell you, when we were waiting in the parking lot when they were searching for my dads body, we were not worshiping. But we should have been. It was hard, not really knowing what was going to happen, if there was going to be some miracle and he could have made it or never finding him at all. I can tell you I prayed, It was more of a crying out then anything.  Also being in shock didn't help, but now I know that God is good through everything. I'm not making any promises, but if I ever lose someone again (actually, this is one of my biggest fears),  I want to throw my hands in the air and worship my God.  This mindset changed my attitude for the day. 

As we rounded the corner to my grandma's house, an old cross, made of blue and white flowers, on the side of the road caught my eye (well, it looks more like a backwards "L" shape now). It's been there for years. I remember the first day it showed up, you could still see the tire marks of where the car had crashed. Everytime we passed it there was something new set next to the cross; flowers, stuffed animals.  We wondered what happened;  who had died.  About a month after, a photo collage was set next to the cross, revealing that a teenage boy, no older than 17 lost his life.  For years, all this stuff stayed and faded until last year, when someone took everything but the cross. The faded cross. To me he seems forgotten.  Is this a reparation of what my grief will be like in 5 years?  I hated that thought, I didn't want to forget, or let it fade- it made me feel guilty and that lovely weight on my my heart pressed a little harder to remind me that its there. But then it hit me - that the cross is still there. It might looked faded, but it still gives that one person who drives by every now-and-again the painful sting. It might fade, but it will never go away. 

Now the rest of my day - believe it or not - went well! With food, family and a whole bunch more of sugar, we had a pretty great time! 
 
Back to a serious paragraph, actually the most serious paragraph of this whole blog. Today is the day we celebrate Jesus resurrection.  Okay, let me reword that - today we celebrate the fact that Jesus beat death. If you read above,  almost every paragraph speaks of death.  Let's talk about this.   Death is part of life. Death is scary.  Death is the "wages of sin". In the end we all die. Death is crippling. Death is irreversible. Death is when life ends. Death is the ultimate price. But get this, - the ultimate price has been paid.  Jesus paid everything, he took the scariest thing on this planet and not only went through it in the the worst way possible, but He beat it.  We don't have to be afraid! Jesus died for our sins - just stop and let that soak in for a second. Jesus literally had your sins on his shoulders while he hung on a cross.  Man..... how can I put what I'm feeling into words?! BUT, not only did He do that, but He did the impossible and rose again, so that we could live, forever, in heaven, with him! Why?!? Because He loves us.  The fact that I am loved so dearly, so unending, deeply and unconditionally makes me throw my hands up and worship God in my grief.

Thank you Jesus, from every part of my being.  Let my life be your tool, all the glory to your beautiful name. Thank you for beating death.