The reason that I haven't been posting is because I have been doing a lot of personal writing. God has been doing so many things in my life and maybe someday you'll hear about them, but as I go through them I just need everything to make sense in my own head before I go telling all you guys.
My Journal has been filling up like crazy lately, and tonight (it's 2:16 am - technically this morning), I just finished writing an entire page, a good one if I might say, when I decided to read through some of my earlier entries. I had started this journal around the beginning of 2014. At first the topics covered normal teenage journal stuff, such as boys, make-up, drama and home life. Then it shifted to my devotional notebook; a good chunk of this is bible notes, verses and prayers.
I just started to learn how to pray; well not really. But theses pages were filled with the first intimate, personal prayers that came from me, all written in pink, green and orange gel pen.
Then I came across the last entry before the ink went black, literally. I stopped using the colored gel pens when my dad died, not intentionally - but if i had to make an intentional choice at the time, I think I would have gone with black anyway.
This last entry, a prayer written in neon orange, two days before my dad died:
"5/ 27/14
Noah did everything the Lord commanded him." ~ Genesis 7:5
"God help me to be everything I am called to be - show me the path you have laid out for
me so I can follow it. Forgive me of my sins, make me clean again. Keep me away from
temptations, and keep me clean. (*1) " Where you go/ I'll go/ where you stay/ I'll stay!
with this life I'll lose/ I will follow you?" (*2) Keep my thoughts on what it good and
right. Help me to remember you and your sacrifice. Help my family in our time of need
- that we would be close to you. Protect us with your power. (*3) Help me to become more
like you, and have my life be a light for you. (*4) Help me in all I do and, please, Oh Lord,
give me your peace that passes understanding. Give me strength and make me wise. (*5)
Help me through these next two weeks God. (*6) I pray for my future husband and his
family - that you would be there and help them. And let this dance go well and be fun.
(*7) Lol, Amen
This months Prayer list: (May - June 2014)
- Finals!! + Grades
- money (*8)
- Dad - his career
- Stress relief for the whole fam
- Friend - (Don't want to name them for privacy reasons)
- ^
- ^
- Shackleton's moving- (Better offer here?!?) (*9)
- More guys at youth group "
Commentary:
*1. Why do I sound like a 80 year old sunday school teacher? I really don't know. Not that there's anything wrong with that, except that I was 16 years old writing it. I'm just really missing the 90s okay?! ;)
*2. Chris Tomlin - I will follow you. (Hate to say it, but I'm really tiring of Chris Tomlin songs - It's kinda funny that this was his song.)
*3. All I can say is - Little did I know.
*4. This is where it gets crazy. That day at the beach, I just kept telling people that there was a peace that passes understanding over me. After this last year, I analyzed it and came up with: it was just shock. But, tonight, I'm re-thinking it.
*5. You can say it. The irony.
*6. There's the school mention! I bet you were waiting for that one.
*7. The dance that I wasn't able to attend at my friends church. I believe it was the day after my dad died.
*8. family finances. God's provision has been amazing.
*9. This was a good family of friends that were, and ended up moving to Oregon. (Btw, #stillprayingy4yalltocomeback)
I just feel like I needed to share. God answers, not in ways you expect him to. He hears your prayers; He's doing something in your life and working it out - you may just not see it. Don't lose hope.
I'm just going to throw it out there that lately I have been struggling with some anxiety; nothing too serious (no anxiety attacks or anything), but enough to beg God to take it from me. Sometime last week I was having a tough night, and I asked God to bring me some relief., "I have been through so much and I just can't take anymore - I need a break." That's all I could think. Then I just got straight up mad. I just assumed God was ignoring me, that I wasn't important enough to be heard and other ridiculous assumptions.
The next day, I was at Panera stu(dying) (lol) with my sister, when the song: "He Heard Me" by United Pursuit featuring Andrea Marie, came up on my spotify shuffle. I had never heard the song before - the first three lyrics of the song are "He heard you". The comfort that came over me was/is so supernatural. God knows. whattt.
He heard me, and He's working on it. I might not see it, but this is where faith and trusting the Lord comes in. The unknown is freaking scary, but all I know is that I serve a faithful, loving, just, jealous, forgiving, all powerful, and get this: all-knowing God. I may not know, but the One who leads me does. Guys, I'm so excited to see what God has in store for my life - and I can't wait to see what he has up his sleeve for the rest of you.
God's in control - then why should I fear?
No comments:
Post a Comment