"Happy" Birthday

I woke up to about 40 people posting on my wall "Happy Birthday!" 

I smiled as I read all the post from my friends and family. But then I looked at my bedside table, and saw the revolving pencil holder, that you can put pictures in on each of the four sides, that once sat on my dads desk. I had asked for this when my mom was going through my dad's things. I had put a picture of my mom and I on one side, me and my sister and another, one with my brothers and I and lastly one of my dad and I. And, on this morning I was dreading, it was looking right at me, haunting me. I hadn't even gotten out of bed yet. 

Then the thought hit me. My Dad would not come home today with the new updated speaker that he had been getting me for the last few years. I would not get a Birthday card with just a few, but extremely meaningful words. Honestly, I just checked out at that moment. I knew if I let myself truly feel what I could feel it would hurt too much. So, I just let myself be numb. I do that from time to time, its easier that way. 

As I got out of bed to get ready I was bombarded by long sweet texts from close friends. I let myself feel the joy in that, but not too much. Then we headed to go bowling with my Moms' side of  the family. I was greeted by warm hugs and happy birthday wishes. We multitasked and played a game while I opened a gift. I first opened a gift from my Aunt Wendy, who also recently lost her Dad. I opened the flawless wrapping to find a bracelet with a charm on it that read "In my heart....I will carry you always." I instantly lost it. In the midst of a tearful hug I was able to manage a "Thank you", and, yet again, blowing off a comforting hug from my mother, I gave her a quick squeeze and said "I need a minute" and ran out of the building. I cried for a minute then kept telling myself to pull myself together. "I really hate special occasions" I said out loud.  I know, I thought I was weird after I said it too. I guess I was just thinking about Christmas and the upcoming events and all I could think of that would combine all of them was that. But after I sighed, I felt so much better. 

Upon returning I opened a couple more gifts and played (Not very well) a couple more games. When I wasn't out on the lanes, I had time to think, time to take everything in. Every other turn it seemed like one of my family members were breaking down. A year ago on the day of my Dad's memorial, my Uncle Dave had passed away. Its been a pretty crazy couple years for my family. So, tears were shed, I timed when I could go in the bathroom and cry, but I only went once or twice so it didn't look like I was breaking down. 

Since that day on the beach I always feel like I have to be strong. For everyone. After my Dad died there were people telling me I had to be and stay strong. and that's how I felt. But then there were people telling me that it was okay to break down, that I needed to cry and keeping it in was unhealthy. I was torn and confused. But I all I know is that I felt that I needed to be strong for my family. I still feel that way. And that's what I did. That's what I do. I hold back the tears until I can't anymore then I find someplace to silently weep. I hate it. But I can't change it. I could go on forever about this, so lets just keep it at that. 

Back to my deep thinking in the bowling alley. Like I said before, my mind was doing what it always was, but sometimes (like today) I am able to focus and think, but I think about so many things. It would take me years to write all that I thought about today. So, I will just tell you one. "Happy Birthday" is something that we say without any meaning. It just what you say. But if you think about it you're wishing someone feelings of happiness on the day of their birth. Around 100 people said happy birthday to me today. And every single one of them made me smile. But they don't and can't make me happy. Today I say "Sad Birthday" to myself. Because I'm sad, crushed and forever changed. I don't think I will ever have a happy birthday again. I have come to terms with that. Well, there it is. 

Now after I said goodbye to my family, my mom, sister, one of my best friends and I headed to see a movie, once again. Into the Woods was a lot more....safer than the other movie that we have seen recently.  But death, of course, came up. And of course we saw not-quite an enemy, but the closest person we know to having strong negative feelings about. That put my Mom in a lovely mood. 

But God is faithful and I ended my night with a lovely friend laughing on the kitchen floor;  and our nightly visit from good family friends (you know who you are - but shush because my Mom is TRYING to sleep;)  

I miss my Dad today; more than most days. But the biggest emotion I felt today was anger. For so many things that I choose to keep out of this blog. But through it all I am grateful for my family's generosity and everyone's kinds words. I know that my God has a plan for me. I know He is good. Today I am holding on to Him tightly. 

The lonely Stocking

Where do I start?
Today was probably one of the worst days of my life. You must be thinking "It can't be that bad, it's Christmas!" Would that change if I told you my day started out bad before I even woke up? Today all started with a nightmare;  a visitor I don't get often. A crazy dream that consisted of last minute (4am) Christmas shopping, giant potholes, my stolen car, my mom coming to the rescue in her car/bike that I ended up crashing. As I walked home I was screaming at the top of my lungs "THIS DAY WAS HARD ENOUGH ALREADY!!" Lots of others thing escaped my lips; angry curses, desperate attempts to talk myself into shutting up and yelling at my mom to back off. As we reached the top of my street, some chaotic events occurred, that slipped my memory; and finally, I woke up. Little did I know that the line "This day was hard enough already" was going to be my motto for Christmas Day 2014.

As I ripped myself from my bed, fumbled down the stairs and plopped on to the couch, I told my family of the crazy dream.  We laughed it off as the festivities began. That's when it all started. My sister began to take the Christmas stockings down off the mantle, then awkwardly skipped over my Dads empty stocking bereft of the normal dime store trinkets, but filled with notes from all of us. As she handed our stockings out to the assigned family member, I glared back at the mantle. There it hung, all alone. It stung my soul, beyond what I thought was capable, beyond what I thought I was going to feel; in that moment I knew that now and forever I will always hate Christmas. At that point I wanted to quit - go up in my room, lay on the floor and cry the rest of the day away.  I felt that I had to be strong. I wanted to see my family open their gifts and smile. As we went on, my gifts did distract me some, but everytime I looked at the mantle, the deep gloom filled me. My mom had addressed our gifts "from: Mom and Dad." which nearly set me off. But I pushed it to the very back of my mind and went on. At this point the thought crossed my mind that this day couldn't get any worse. Apparently, I forgot to knock on wood. (I really don't believe in luck. Just a joke.)

After the morning had settled, I felt like my head was going to explode, my throat was raw, I was cold then hot; then repeat and add coughing every other minute. I told my mom, threw myself on that couch and cried silently. Within a few minutes we had decided that it was best to go to the ER and make sure I didn't have Bronchitis, Strep or something along those lines. As my mom and I were about to depart, I thought some tea for the road would be nice. I got out my brand new travel mug, a Christmas gift from one of my best friends. With the tea made and ready to go, I set the cup down and started to put away the honey - I bet you'll never guess what happened next- well my elbow caught the mug, sending it to a shattering death. In that moment, I was done.  I shoved away my loving Grandma's comfort, found the kitchen table, put my head on the table and sobbed.

Soon after, I'm sitting in the ER thinking, yet again, This day couldn't get any worse.   When will I learn.  After a short time of waiting and a quick exam I was diagnosed with a bad cough - viral. The first good thing to happen that day. As we left, the meds I took at home finally kicked in, I had my appetite back and was hoping for something to eat. It took awhile, but we found that The Waffle House was open. Walking in, we were greeted by a happy "Merry Christmas - sit anywhere you'd like." As we took a seat on the stools at the counter,  we talked with the friendly (And very attractive) dish boy while he washed dishes. We talked of the ugly sweaters that most of the staff were sporting and why people would work on Christmas and be so happy about it. It that short time- it actually felt like the warm, joyful Christmas I knew. We left the diner full, happy and filled with Christmas cheer.

We got home and finally had an hour to relax before we went to see the movie liked we had planned. As my whole family pulled into the mall, we all let out a sigh. There were two firetrucks and an ambulance outside the mall. We parked and they let us in.  We figured that some popcorn had burnt or something. As we walked in, my mom saw a fireman and walked over to him to find out what was going on. He informed my mom that there was a natural gas smell in the whole mall, but they did a sweep of the entire place and it was fine. My heart fell as I saw my brother's face. My 11 year old brother has extreme problems with anxiety.  Now this is a whole other blog post, so let's just say we had to force him to come with us. The Hobbit began as we took our seats. Ahem.......death, war, gore and more death. ( I would mentally prepare yourself if you going to see this, everyone you love dies.) Just what we needed to see.

As I got into the car after the movie, I checked my phone to find miles and miles of uplifting words from a good friend of mine, Mikayla. She wrote of my beauty and strength; she shared beautiful memories of my dad. It brought me to tears. We arrived at my Grandma's house to find piles of gifts from the surgery center where she works.  (They had "adopted" our family this year. They choose one every Christmas.) We all opened our gifts and ended the day with some feelings of happiness.

Now.  This day was hard.  Really hard. Ever since I saw my Dad's stocking- these thoughts continue to assault me. Dad would be sitting there right now, opening his gifts. Dad would feel so bad that you were sick on Christmas. Dad would be sitting here in the ER with you right now. Dad. Dad . Dad. Dad's not here. Dad's not laughing. It was......is unbearable.

I ask you this: Please, for me, be grateful. Be grateful that you have your family. Forget about what you got or what you didn't get under the tree. Hug your dad for me. Tell him you love him and that you're grateful for him. I beg of you;  you might never get this chance again. Hug all of your family, tell them all you love them, say thank you.  You never know.

And, might I convince you to get right with God. Today, my Savior humbled Himself to become mere flesh. My God sent his only Son to die the worst death imaginable. Why? Because He loves us. He wants to be with us. US! He wants to clean our dirty, greed-filled, ungrateful rags. Because he loves us; unconditionally.

Today I was given so many gifts;  things, words and feelings. I am so, so grateful.
But one gift that was given to me today, I can't even fathom. It brings me to tears, it brings me to my knees. Today we were given Baby Jesus, Emmanuel.  Emmanuel means: God with us.

Now...  Merry Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal ;) ( I didn't want to leave you without a little pick-me-up.)

Picking the Name

So, here we are again. I'm going to attempt blogging, once again- but,  for courses - under entirely different circumstances.

Now, I had to put plenty of thought into what my first post was going to be about. There is about 1 million and ten things I could start out writing. But all of those topics require about 4,000 words or more, and being who I am and having the life I have- I really don't have time for that- and probably never will, so most of my post are most likely going to be short and sweet.

So, I had come down to this. When upon creating this blog, I (for some reason) was shocked to find that I had to come up with a title. Now, for you to understand how I picked my title, you have to have a little understanding of how my minds works. So, image millions and millions of sentences crashing into each other, speeding around and bouncing off walls in a very confined space. And this is happening 24/7. Now, I don't know if this is how your mind works- but to me it is unbearable. I feel like my head might explode at any time.  Of courses, I have had this mind forever, so I have come up with coping techniques to bring my mind to a stable point.

My favorite, if you haven't noticed, it talking. ;) Those of you who have meet me, know that I will talk your ear off for as long as I can. Talking is like releasing thousands of these sentences speeding out of my mind. I can think clearly, or at least make sense of my mind when my mouth is open. But, of course, this method has a fatal flaw; two actually. When I speak, I tend not to use my filter. All the words just jumble out; the more important things I have to say get lost in the immature thoughts that pop into the head of a sixteen year old girl. Secondly, my words go into oblivion. I can't look at them or oversee them. The thoughts are out of my head, yes, but they are now lost, never to be found again, unless if the words leave their mark.

My second coping technique is much more...satisfying. Writing is my serenity. When I am writing, my mind goes into army combat mood, all the sentences flying around suddenly become stiff and line up, the more important thoughts come to the forefront of my mind and the less important fall away. And when I am done, I can take a step back, strip my emotions away and analyze what my mind has poured out on to a blank space. I can make sense of my own thoughts.

I wanted to portray all of this in just a title. After brainstorming, I came down to two titles; "Clear"- which was an accurate description of what my blog would do to my mind. It was exactly what I wanted. Or "Above the Waves"- of course, was deep and a pun on my life.
The more I thought about it the more I was swayed towards "Clear", but my grandma was over, so I asked her opinion on my brainstormed list. The first thing she said was "I really like "Above the Waves". As our conversation continued my Grandma had stopped me mid-sentence and told me we need to pray. So, we did. And after that I was certain "Above the Waves" was the title.

God brought the mind the story of Jesus walking on water, as well as Peter.  I see myself as Peter, I was walking on the water, my life was taking course that I loved. I was in a good place with my parents, and my siblings. I had best friends that I adored ( I still do). I was also in a great place with God. But then I sunk. The sad thing is, I didn't lose faith. Life just came up and hit me with Tsunami. Within one day, my entire life had been flipped upside down, and I had also lost the only Man I will ever love. I lost someone who can never be replaced, I lost someone absence will always be felt. I lost my dad.  And now I am sinking. But my hand is always outstretched to Jesus. He grabbed it the moment I reached out and hasn't let go since. But, I am still in the raging sea. The waves still knock me over and under the water. It might not make sense to me now, but God hasn't pulled me out of the sea yet. But, I don't think I will ever be pulled out. This is my test. I always have to hold on to God, if not; I will drown. But that the beauty of it, I might have to spend my whole life struggling to keep my head above the waves. But God Literally is holding my hand. I have been bless with the gift of being comforted by the Creator of the universe. He is my Father. And even though it seems impossibly hard; life just above the waves is beautiful.

Hannah