I left my pillow in Florida. But this was not just any pillow, I had that pillow for the past 4 or 5 years. It was a Special-Edition Memory-foam pillow. It had a white case with lace around the edges, but it eventually faded into an off-white because I had slept with my make-up on for year (oh, and also from laying on it time to time;)
Now you might be thinking "Whoa Hannah, it's just a pillow, that's really nasty" - which are both very true. But this was a staple in my life. It might sound funny but its true. That pillow had the mascara stains of a crying girl who fought with her dad sometimes. This pillow held the tears of a teenage girl's insecure stage (which luckily, was short). This pillow came with me on every trip, every sleepover - anywhere I had to sleep. In fact, Its really, really hard to sleep without. The first night I had to sleep without it was a sleepless one. I had to sleep on hotel pillows, two of them - and that still didn't help. My mom was kind enough to buy me a new one - but compared to my old one - it's terrible.
It was a staple that was ripped unexpectedly, suddenly and changed my life; just like my Dad's death. Obviously, not as severe, but still, sleep is something pretty big to miss. It was a comfort, like a teddy bear. It was like I was four again and left my favorite stuffed animal at the hotel room and cried and couldn't sleep without it. But I can't cry about a pillow - I'm 17 years old.
On the flight home, without my pillow, I once again, starting my deep thinking. As I looked out the window I saw that we were in a cloud. It looked like there was nothing. I was staring into oblivion. This word is a concept that has been made common in our society lately. For example, as in the whole "The Fault in our Stars" quotes about oblivion. Not to mention one of my favorite bands, as well as a song called Oblivion by Bastille (one of my top 5 favorite songs of all time). Yet all this fame on the concept, I didn't quite fully understand it. All I knew that it was nothing-ness. And then I thought about my pillow I had left at a family members house. When they called my mom to told me I had left it, my mom told then to burn it. (I'm sure they just tossed it). But what if they did burn it, where would it go. By now, my brains like, "whoa Hannah, it's burned- it's a pillow). Yes, that was true. But, it was my teddy bear. What about all the tears, and make up stains - all the things associated with it. They're in Oblivion. But as I looked into this cloud, I thought this is how the world must have looked before God spoke. Nothing-ness. Oblivion. But that's the thing; Oblivion no longer exists, it was a past concept. So, all the things I thought were....gone. Just like that. The tears and emotions are just plain gone. That's good. They're not just floating in some concept waiting to find a way that will never been found. I can leave them behind. I can move on from that point of my life, can attach tears and make-up stains with my new pillow.
I know that the tears of the night I first lost my Dad were soaked into that old pillow. But that's passed now. I will never get over it. I will cry so many more tears about my Dad, and the fact that he is gone, into my new pillow. But it's almost like a sign that the hardest days are over. Gone. Not just sitting in oblivion waiting to break free. I have outgrown that old pillow, I am pretty sure I will never have a pillow as great as my old one, ever. Almost like with my Dad's death. I won't say I have out-grown it, but I would say that.....that the rain has finally stopped. It's not a good feeling and there's no relief, it's just....indescribable. Now, it's still cloudy and the water is still raging and there will be days where it will rain again, but God is still holding me up. He's not letting me sink into the unknown dark place that lay beneath me. I'm so thankful the God spoke away oblivion, it's a scary thing.
Sorry for that mind bender, I think you should now go look up some funny cat videos to give your brain a rest. ;)
Friday, January 23, 2015
Friday, January 16, 2015
Sad
Right now, I am happy. I haven't been able to say that for the last couple days. Before that, I have had two emotions: sad and angry. Now that's just adding everything up. I have also felt joy, awe, exhaustion, insecure, slap happy and many, many more. But, when it comes down it it, mostly angry and sad.
Where do I start? Well, let's start with the little things. I have the most stupid, ugly, annoying skin infection smack dab under my nose. It kinda looks like a alien took over that part of my face. As you can imagine that brings my self confidence down quite a bit, plus, add wearing a bathing suit almost every day in this body of mine and, well... my self worth (which believe it or not is normally not bad) is about a 1 out of 10. So much so, that I stayed in the resort room for a whole day. Speaking of resort rooms, do you know how thick and heavy a resort door is? Well, enough to break your finger if you smashed it in that door. (Talking from a witness standpoint, my mom's finger looks like its going to blow. Ewwwww) Oh, and while we are talking about rooms, let's point out that my whole family has been living in the same room for who-cares-how-many days. Let's just say it's been way too many.
Now, to the bigger things. About 3 days into the lovely Florida weather I butt-called my best friend, who ended calling back - then we talked for an hour. I ended up crying. Lately, I have felt really alone. The friends that I liked were mad at me, or didn't want to even be friends with me. And then friends that like me, were driving me so crazy. Talking with my bestie helped so much, but it also brought to light a lot of things. I just let those little things eat away at me. And as I had this conversation, my mom was yelling at me for crying (drama), my brothers were brawling and my sister was trying to talk over me. This has been my week. Yelling , fighting and crying. I swear my life could be a reality TV show. Couldn't you see it "WW3: The Radke's"
Have I missed anything? Oh, yes school. I forgot to mention that this week is final's week. Does anyone know of some decent cliffs in FL? (I'm just kidding) So, add that to my lovely list of things to stress over. If you didn't know already, school for me has been a last effort, scrap it together, pray that I pass kinda thing all year long. The good thing is, I finished government! (Find joy, find joy, find joy.)
The last two nights, I cried myself to sleep. I felt like my life was falling apart. My social life is a mess, my school was unbearably hard and my family was a wreak. I felt alone, I felt like no one would care. I was angry; angry at God. Why would He do this to my family? There have been times where I think "That's not my Mom", but I can't blame her because I know its the grief talking. and then it turn, I get mad at God. For making my family go through this, feel this way. I get mad at God because I act the way I act. When my compassion has run out, I blame God. When I get so angry that I swear like a sailor, I blame God. When I feel like most of my friendships are one-sided, I blame God.
Today, I tired harder. I am now on a Social media break, and I'm planning on keeping that up until I get back. It is really helping. All I can say is that I am a lot more sad now then I am mad. I'm just. sad. All I can handle right now is that God loves me even though I'm the farthest thing from perfect. Pray for my family and I. We really need it.
But, I have chosen joy. Now I'm going to sit in the the most beautiful backyard I have ever set foot in, in the perfect temperature and chat with my family.
(By the way my mom is awesome, she was concerned that she sounded like an evil witch.)
Where do I start? Well, let's start with the little things. I have the most stupid, ugly, annoying skin infection smack dab under my nose. It kinda looks like a alien took over that part of my face. As you can imagine that brings my self confidence down quite a bit, plus, add wearing a bathing suit almost every day in this body of mine and, well... my self worth (which believe it or not is normally not bad) is about a 1 out of 10. So much so, that I stayed in the resort room for a whole day. Speaking of resort rooms, do you know how thick and heavy a resort door is? Well, enough to break your finger if you smashed it in that door. (Talking from a witness standpoint, my mom's finger looks like its going to blow. Ewwwww) Oh, and while we are talking about rooms, let's point out that my whole family has been living in the same room for who-cares-how-many days. Let's just say it's been way too many.
Now, to the bigger things. About 3 days into the lovely Florida weather I butt-called my best friend, who ended calling back - then we talked for an hour. I ended up crying. Lately, I have felt really alone. The friends that I liked were mad at me, or didn't want to even be friends with me. And then friends that like me, were driving me so crazy. Talking with my bestie helped so much, but it also brought to light a lot of things. I just let those little things eat away at me. And as I had this conversation, my mom was yelling at me for crying (drama), my brothers were brawling and my sister was trying to talk over me. This has been my week. Yelling , fighting and crying. I swear my life could be a reality TV show. Couldn't you see it "WW3: The Radke's"
Have I missed anything? Oh, yes school. I forgot to mention that this week is final's week. Does anyone know of some decent cliffs in FL? (I'm just kidding) So, add that to my lovely list of things to stress over. If you didn't know already, school for me has been a last effort, scrap it together, pray that I pass kinda thing all year long. The good thing is, I finished government! (Find joy, find joy, find joy.)
The last two nights, I cried myself to sleep. I felt like my life was falling apart. My social life is a mess, my school was unbearably hard and my family was a wreak. I felt alone, I felt like no one would care. I was angry; angry at God. Why would He do this to my family? There have been times where I think "That's not my Mom", but I can't blame her because I know its the grief talking. and then it turn, I get mad at God. For making my family go through this, feel this way. I get mad at God because I act the way I act. When my compassion has run out, I blame God. When I get so angry that I swear like a sailor, I blame God. When I feel like most of my friendships are one-sided, I blame God.
Today, I tired harder. I am now on a Social media break, and I'm planning on keeping that up until I get back. It is really helping. All I can say is that I am a lot more sad now then I am mad. I'm just. sad. All I can handle right now is that God loves me even though I'm the farthest thing from perfect. Pray for my family and I. We really need it.
But, I have chosen joy. Now I'm going to sit in the the most beautiful backyard I have ever set foot in, in the perfect temperature and chat with my family.
(By the way my mom is awesome, she was concerned that she sounded like an evil witch.)
Sunday, January 11, 2015
"Family" vacation
Before I begin, I just want to give you all some back news on my blog. So, I am now PLANNING on doing a blog every friday. But since this is Sunday, you see that this statement is not set in stone. Sometimes it might be early or late.....okay mostly late ;) Or I could do more than one blog a week, it just depends. Alright, now let's begin.
Today my day started out good. Now, if you have been keeping up with my blog, you know that this is quite the accomplishment. I didn't say great or perfect because my day was far from that, but if you round it all up it was good. It might have been the fact that I got to fly today or the fact that I got to leave 15 degree weather and enter the perfect temperatures of Florida or just the fact that I was given joy. Today had its up and downs, like every trip, but I think, for my crazy family, it went pretty well.
After a stressful pack up and car ride (the car ride was actually really fun). We got to the airport and we didn't forget a kid. Realizing we got through security early, I had some time to do my "deep thinking" thing that I do, while we waited to board. For some reason, I began to think of how others saw me and my family, how I see others and how others saw others; not technically judging - just analyzing. After I had gone over the strangers closest to me, a family caught my eye. I instantly thought, "Everyone probably sees that family like they see us!" And then the it struck me. The big wammies always come in painful, sudden hits. They had their Dad with them. There was that lovely sting that I felt way too much. And then, a first came (just got to love those firsts, always faithful). This would be the first time back to the sunshine state without my Dad. The memories of the last time we came down here, our two Disney trips, came to mind. But, that didn't make me feel sad, just....smile. Not a feeling, just a smile.
The plane ride was lovely (If you're not flying Southwest Airlines, we can not be friends). I did school most of the time, but hey - I was flying - and that made school better. We landed, ate, got our bags and said goodbye to my Grandma who is staying with friends. Then we headed to the coolest resort that I have ever been too. After some pool time, us kids are chilling in the room. My awesome mother is out shopping for food.
Now.. let's back up. Right before we were about to leave our house, all hell had broken lose. We were all last minute packing, stressed out and tired. As I was walking up the stairs the 10th time because I had forgot something, I stopped midway. Something in my body just stopped and I started praying. I prayed that the day would go well, I prayed for my Mom and my siblings. But mostly I prayed for my attitude. I prayed for joy. I have been struggling with prayer since that day on the beach. On that beach, I just couldn't stop praying. When it all first began and I was standing on the beach while chaos was unfolding, I couldn't breath without saying "Please Jesus." That was mostly all I could get out. I begged Jesus. But, it didn't appear to be answered. But today, I saw how prayer CAN make a difference, even a little. I know I can trust prayer again.
Friday, January 2, 2015
Looking Back and Looking Forward
At this very moment, my head may or may not explode.
The other tab on my computer shows the 3 missing assignments, they are worth over 100 points together. The class I had a A in is now just scraping by passing. again. This has been my school year. Get behind, get caught up, get my grade back to at least a B+. And then do it all over again.
Today I woke up at one of my best friend's house after a wild, fun and lets face it, you can't have a party without drama. I woke up to the first day of 2015. I told myself that I would start this year out right, I would go home, work on some school, knowing at some point I would break down and give up, then I would clean my room. This year I would be happy, I would be motivated - A clean start. I got to say that the worst year of my life (God willing) is behind me, and most of the "Firsts" that I dread are over.
Just to clarify, "firsts" apply to things, places- pretty much anything- that happen without my dad. For example: When my dad first died they were everywhere like little gnats eating at my skin. This is the first time you brushed your teeth since dad, first time you sat in this chair since dad, first time you wore this top since dad etc. As time when on the firsts got bigger; annual vacations, holidays; stuff like that was....like I said before unbearable. I wanted to get all the firsts ( the ones that I can) out of the way as soon as I could. So, that I could see past the firsts, not move on or get over, because I know that I never will get over what happened. I just wanted them out of the way so I didn't have to focus on them.
This year I got most of my firsts. This year I endured things that no 16 year old girl should ever have to go through. I witnessed something so traumatic, that my brain will never rest again. I can't tell you have many times I have given up. Just checked out for a day because I couldn't hand what was going on. I can't tell you have many times I have failed. How I take my anger out on other people. Mostly, my brothers. Sometimes my mom and sister. People think I'm strong, But I'm not. I just hide my weakness. I have witnessed so much bad this year. But on the flip side, its laced with so much good. My faith in humanity was restored this year. I was surrounded by a loving family, friends and community. I saw so many people give their hard-earned money to help my family. I have had more opportunities in the last year, then I have had in the last 5 combined. I have so many amazing memories with my friends and family. I have been able to see some of the world that my heart has desired to see. My heart is humble, full but broken. I know this and I have come to terms with it. I will never forget 2014, I'm going to remember it as the worst/best year of my life. If you were a part of my year, big or little, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Even if you negatively impacted me - this year I have built character- I'm still working on it, but everything helps. So, thank you. I'm mostly happy to say: "Goodbye 2014!"
Now, 2015. I don't know what it holds for me. I am guessing a lot of school, friends, heartbreak, love, loss, hope, God, sin, stress etc. But this year I have one resolution: This year I choose joy. I want to find the joy in everything, because I know its there.
All I know is that now I have moved to the hallway from my room because there is a huge bug that I really don't want to kill. My dad was the bug killer. This year I'm going to have to kill the bugs. I can't have my dad. And that's so freaking scary. But I know I'm not alone, even when I feel that way. I know that God can be my bug killer.
I also know this about 2015: This could be the year I die, this could be the year the world ends. And that's a lot scarier than a huge bug. If I die tomorrow, I know that I will be sent home. I will be with my Dad and other loved ones. But, that won't matter to me the most. I will be in the presence of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I will see my Creator face to face. All I can say is, I hope, I pray and I beg that my heart is ready for that. This year, I can only take on one resolution. I hope that it is enough.
Today has not been the best day. I pretty much failed. I'm so thankful that we have a God that forgives, not once, but everytime. (Lets face it, I would be lost without his forgiveness.) This year I encourage you to take a hold of God's forgiveness, if He can forgive me, He can forgive you. This year I want you to know that God loves you no matter what. Don't take it for granted.
Now I have to go kill that bug so I cansleep do school; How I am going to find joy in that I have no idea- I'll figure that out later.
The other tab on my computer shows the 3 missing assignments, they are worth over 100 points together. The class I had a A in is now just scraping by passing. again. This has been my school year. Get behind, get caught up, get my grade back to at least a B+. And then do it all over again.
Today I woke up at one of my best friend's house after a wild, fun and lets face it, you can't have a party without drama. I woke up to the first day of 2015. I told myself that I would start this year out right, I would go home, work on some school, knowing at some point I would break down and give up, then I would clean my room. This year I would be happy, I would be motivated - A clean start. I got to say that the worst year of my life (God willing) is behind me, and most of the "Firsts" that I dread are over.
Just to clarify, "firsts" apply to things, places- pretty much anything- that happen without my dad. For example: When my dad first died they were everywhere like little gnats eating at my skin. This is the first time you brushed your teeth since dad, first time you sat in this chair since dad, first time you wore this top since dad etc. As time when on the firsts got bigger; annual vacations, holidays; stuff like that was....like I said before unbearable. I wanted to get all the firsts ( the ones that I can) out of the way as soon as I could. So, that I could see past the firsts, not move on or get over, because I know that I never will get over what happened. I just wanted them out of the way so I didn't have to focus on them.
This year I got most of my firsts. This year I endured things that no 16 year old girl should ever have to go through. I witnessed something so traumatic, that my brain will never rest again. I can't tell you have many times I have given up. Just checked out for a day because I couldn't hand what was going on. I can't tell you have many times I have failed. How I take my anger out on other people. Mostly, my brothers. Sometimes my mom and sister. People think I'm strong, But I'm not. I just hide my weakness. I have witnessed so much bad this year. But on the flip side, its laced with so much good. My faith in humanity was restored this year. I was surrounded by a loving family, friends and community. I saw so many people give their hard-earned money to help my family. I have had more opportunities in the last year, then I have had in the last 5 combined. I have so many amazing memories with my friends and family. I have been able to see some of the world that my heart has desired to see. My heart is humble, full but broken. I know this and I have come to terms with it. I will never forget 2014, I'm going to remember it as the worst/best year of my life. If you were a part of my year, big or little, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Even if you negatively impacted me - this year I have built character- I'm still working on it, but everything helps. So, thank you. I'm mostly happy to say: "Goodbye 2014!"
Now, 2015. I don't know what it holds for me. I am guessing a lot of school, friends, heartbreak, love, loss, hope, God, sin, stress etc. But this year I have one resolution: This year I choose joy. I want to find the joy in everything, because I know its there.
All I know is that now I have moved to the hallway from my room because there is a huge bug that I really don't want to kill. My dad was the bug killer. This year I'm going to have to kill the bugs. I can't have my dad. And that's so freaking scary. But I know I'm not alone, even when I feel that way. I know that God can be my bug killer.
I also know this about 2015: This could be the year I die, this could be the year the world ends. And that's a lot scarier than a huge bug. If I die tomorrow, I know that I will be sent home. I will be with my Dad and other loved ones. But, that won't matter to me the most. I will be in the presence of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I will see my Creator face to face. All I can say is, I hope, I pray and I beg that my heart is ready for that. This year, I can only take on one resolution. I hope that it is enough.
Today has not been the best day. I pretty much failed. I'm so thankful that we have a God that forgives, not once, but everytime. (Lets face it, I would be lost without his forgiveness.) This year I encourage you to take a hold of God's forgiveness, if He can forgive me, He can forgive you. This year I want you to know that God loves you no matter what. Don't take it for granted.
Now I have to go kill that bug so I can
(Just kidding, my mom - calmly - did it for me. It turned out to be a stink bug. "Heavens no, I'm sorry, no, I can't do that.")
James 1:2-3
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)