I smiled as I read all the post from my friends and family. But then I looked at my bedside table, and saw the revolving pencil holder, that you can put pictures in on each of the four sides, that once sat on my dads desk. I had asked for this when my mom was going through my dad's things. I had put a picture of my mom and I on one side, me and my sister and another, one with my brothers and I and lastly one of my dad and I. And, on this morning I was dreading, it was looking right at me, haunting me. I hadn't even gotten out of bed yet.
Then the thought hit me. My Dad would not come home today with the new updated speaker that he had been getting me for the last few years. I would not get a Birthday card with just a few, but extremely meaningful words. Honestly, I just checked out at that moment. I knew if I let myself truly feel what I could feel it would hurt too much. So, I just let myself be numb. I do that from time to time, its easier that way.
As I got out of bed to get ready I was bombarded by long sweet texts from close friends. I let myself feel the joy in that, but not too much. Then we headed to go bowling with my Moms' side of the family. I was greeted by warm hugs and happy birthday wishes. We multitasked and played a game while I opened a gift. I first opened a gift from my Aunt Wendy, who also recently lost her Dad. I opened the flawless wrapping to find a bracelet with a charm on it that read "In my heart....I will carry you always." I instantly lost it. In the midst of a tearful hug I was able to manage a "Thank you", and, yet again, blowing off a comforting hug from my mother, I gave her a quick squeeze and said "I need a minute" and ran out of the building. I cried for a minute then kept telling myself to pull myself together. "I really hate special occasions" I said out loud. I know, I thought I was weird after I said it too. I guess I was just thinking about Christmas and the upcoming events and all I could think of that would combine all of them was that. But after I sighed, I felt so much better.
Upon returning I opened a couple more gifts and played (Not very well) a couple more games. When I wasn't out on the lanes, I had time to think, time to take everything in. Every other turn it seemed like one of my family members were breaking down. A year ago on the day of my Dad's memorial, my Uncle Dave had passed away. Its been a pretty crazy couple years for my family. So, tears were shed, I timed when I could go in the bathroom and cry, but I only went once or twice so it didn't look like I was breaking down.
Since that day on the beach I always feel like I have to be strong. For everyone. After my Dad died there were people telling me I had to be and stay strong. and that's how I felt. But then there were people telling me that it was okay to break down, that I needed to cry and keeping it in was unhealthy. I was torn and confused. But I all I know is that I felt that I needed to be strong for my family. I still feel that way. And that's what I did. That's what I do. I hold back the tears until I can't anymore then I find someplace to silently weep. I hate it. But I can't change it. I could go on forever about this, so lets just keep it at that.
Back to my deep thinking in the bowling alley. Like I said before, my mind was doing what it always was, but sometimes (like today) I am able to focus and think, but I think about so many things. It would take me years to write all that I thought about today. So, I will just tell you one. "Happy Birthday" is something that we say without any meaning. It just what you say. But if you think about it you're wishing someone feelings of happiness on the day of their birth. Around 100 people said happy birthday to me today. And every single one of them made me smile. But they don't and can't make me happy. Today I say "Sad Birthday" to myself. Because I'm sad, crushed and forever changed. I don't think I will ever have a happy birthday again. I have come to terms with that. Well, there it is.
Now after I said goodbye to my family, my mom, sister, one of my best friends and I headed to see a movie, once again. Into the Woods was a lot more....safer than the other movie that we have seen recently. But death, of course, came up. And of course we saw not-quite an enemy, but the closest person we know to having strong negative feelings about. That put my Mom in a lovely mood.
But God is faithful and I ended my night with a lovely friend laughing on the kitchen floor; and our nightly visit from good family friends (you know who you are - but shush because my Mom is TRYING to sleep;)
I miss my Dad today; more than most days. But the biggest emotion I felt today was anger. For so many things that I choose to keep out of this blog. But through it all I am grateful for my family's generosity and everyone's kinds words. I know that my God has a plan for me. I know He is good. Today I am holding on to Him tightly.
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