Looking Back and Looking Forward

At this very moment, my head may or may not explode.
The other tab on my computer shows the 3 missing assignments, they are worth over 100 points together. The class I had a A in is now just scraping by passing. again. This has been my school year. Get behind, get caught up, get my grade back to at least a B+. And then do it all over again.

Today I woke up at one of my best friend's house after a wild, fun and lets face it, you can't have a party without drama. I woke up to the first day of 2015. I told myself that I would start this year out right, I would go home, work on some school, knowing at some point I would break down and give up, then I would clean my room. This year I would  be happy, I would be motivated - A clean start. I got to say that the worst year of my life (God willing) is behind me, and most of the "Firsts" that I dread are over.

 Just to clarify, "firsts" apply to things, places- pretty much anything- that happen without my dad. For example: When my dad first died they were everywhere like little gnats eating at my skin. This is the first time you brushed your teeth since dad, first time you sat in this chair since dad, first time you wore this top since dad etc. As time when on the firsts got bigger;  annual vacations, holidays; stuff like that was....like I said before unbearable.  I wanted to get all the firsts ( the ones that I can) out of the way as soon as I could. So, that I could see past the firsts, not move on or get over, because I know that I never will get over what happened. I just wanted them out of the way so I didn't have to focus on them.

This year I got most of my firsts. This year I endured things that no 16 year old girl should ever have to go through. I witnessed something so traumatic, that my brain will never rest again. I can't tell you have many times I have given up. Just checked out for a day because I couldn't hand what was going on. I can't tell you have many times I have failed. How I take my anger out on other people. Mostly, my brothers. Sometimes my mom and sister. People think I'm strong, But I'm not. I just hide my weakness. I have witnessed so much bad this year. But on the flip side, its laced with so much good. My faith in humanity was restored this year. I was surrounded by a loving family, friends and community. I saw so many people give their hard-earned money to help my family. I have had more opportunities in the last year, then I have had in the last 5 combined. I have so many amazing memories with my friends and family. I have been able to see some of the world that my heart has desired to see. My heart is humble, full but broken. I know this and I have come to terms with it. I will never forget 2014, I'm going to remember it as the worst/best year of my life. If you were a part of my year, big or little, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Even if you negatively impacted me - this year I have built character- I'm still working on it, but everything helps. So, thank you. I'm mostly happy to say: "Goodbye 2014!"

Now, 2015.  I don't know what it holds for me. I am guessing a lot of school, friends, heartbreak, love, loss, hope, God, sin, stress etc. But this year I have one resolution: This year I choose joy. I want to find the joy in  everything, because I know its there.
All I know is that now I have moved to the hallway from my room because there is a huge bug that I really don't want to kill. My dad was the bug killer. This year I'm going to have to kill the bugs. I can't have my dad. And that's so freaking scary. But I know I'm not alone, even when I feel that way. I know that God can be my bug killer.

I also know this about 2015: This could be the year I die, this could be the year the world ends. And that's a lot scarier than a huge bug. If I die tomorrow, I know that I will be sent home. I will be with my Dad and other loved ones. But, that won't matter to me the most. I will be in the presence of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I will see my Creator face to face. All I can say is, I hope, I pray and I beg that my heart is ready for that. This year, I can only take on one resolution. I hope that it is enough.

Today has not been the best day. I pretty much failed. I'm so thankful that we have a God that forgives, not once, but everytime. (Lets face it, I would be lost without his forgiveness.) This year I encourage you to take a hold of God's forgiveness, if He can forgive me, He can forgive you. This year I want you to know that God loves you no matter what. Don't take it for granted.

Now I have to go kill that bug so I can sleep  do school; How I am going to find joy in that I have no idea- I'll figure that out later.

(Just kidding, my mom - calmly - did it for me. It turned out to be a stink bug. "Heavens no, I'm sorry, no, I can't do that.") 

James 1:2-3

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.