My Pillow

I left my pillow in Florida. But this was not just any pillow, I had that pillow for the past 4 or 5 years. It was a Special-Edition Memory-foam pillow. It had a white case with lace around the edges, but it eventually faded into an off-white because I had slept with my make-up on for year (oh, and also from laying on it time to time;)

Now you might be thinking "Whoa Hannah, it's just a pillow, that's really nasty" - which are both very true. But this was a staple in my life.  It might sound funny but its true. That pillow had the mascara stains of a crying girl who fought with her dad sometimes. This pillow held the tears of a teenage girl's insecure stage (which luckily, was short). This pillow came with me on every trip, every sleepover - anywhere I had to sleep. In fact, Its really, really hard to sleep without. The first night I had to sleep without it was a sleepless one. I had to sleep on hotel pillows, two of them - and that still didn't help.  My mom was kind enough to buy me a new one - but compared to my old one - it's terrible.  

It was a staple that was ripped unexpectedly, suddenly and changed my life; just like my Dad's death. Obviously, not as severe, but still, sleep is something pretty big to miss.  It was a comfort, like a teddy bear.  It was like I was four again and left my favorite stuffed animal at the hotel room and cried and couldn't sleep without it.  But I can't cry about a pillow -  I'm 17 years old.

On the flight home, without my pillow, I once again, starting my deep thinking. As I looked out the window I saw that we were in a cloud.  It looked like there was nothing.  I was staring into oblivion. This word is a concept that has been made common in our society lately. For example, as in the whole "The Fault in our Stars" quotes about oblivion. Not to mention one of my favorite bands, as well as a song called Oblivion by Bastille (one of my top 5 favorite songs of all time). Yet all this fame on the concept, I didn't quite fully understand it.  All I knew that it was nothing-ness. And then I thought about my pillow I had left at a family members house. When they called my mom to told me I had left it, my mom told then to burn it. (I'm sure they just tossed it).  But what if they did burn it, where would it go. By now, my brains like, "whoa Hannah, it's burned- it's a pillow). Yes, that was true. But, it was my teddy bear. What about all the tears, and make up stains - all the things associated with it. They're in Oblivion. But as I looked into this cloud, I thought this is how the world must have looked before God spoke. Nothing-ness. Oblivion. But that's the thing; Oblivion no longer exists, it was a past concept. So, all the things I thought were....gone.  Just like that. The tears and emotions are just plain gone.  That's good. They're not just floating in some concept waiting to find a way that will never been found. I can leave them behind. I can move on from that point of my life, can attach tears and make-up stains with my new pillow.

I know that the tears of the night I first lost my Dad were soaked into that old pillow. But that's passed now. I will never get over it.  I will cry so many more tears about my Dad, and the fact that he is gone, into my new pillow. But it's almost like a sign that the hardest days are over. Gone. Not just sitting in oblivion waiting to break free. I have outgrown that old pillow, I am pretty sure I will never have a pillow as great as my old one, ever. Almost like with my Dad's death.  I won't say I have out-grown it,  but I would say that.....that the rain has finally stopped. It's not a good feeling and there's no relief, it's just....indescribable.  Now, it's still cloudy and the water is still raging and there will be days where it will rain again, but God is still holding me up. He's not letting me sink into the unknown dark place that lay beneath me. I'm so thankful the God spoke away oblivion, it's a scary thing.

Sorry for that mind bender, I think you should now go look up some funny cat videos to give your brain a rest. ;)