Sad

Right now, I am happy. I haven't been able to say that for the last couple days. Before that, I have had two emotions: sad and angry.  Now that's just adding everything up. I have also felt joy, awe, exhaustion, insecure, slap happy and many, many more. But, when it comes down it it, mostly angry and sad.

Where do I start?  Well, let's start with the little things. I have the most stupid, ugly, annoying skin infection smack dab under my nose. It kinda looks like a alien took over that part of my face. As you can imagine that brings my self confidence down quite a bit, plus, add wearing a bathing suit almost every day in this body of mine and, well... my self worth (which believe it or not is normally not bad) is about a 1 out of 10.  So much so, that I stayed in the resort room for a whole day. Speaking of resort rooms, do you know how thick and heavy a resort door is? Well, enough to break your finger if you smashed it in that door. (Talking from a witness standpoint, my mom's finger looks like its going to blow. Ewwwww) Oh, and while we are talking about rooms, let's point out that my whole family has been living in the same room for who-cares-how-many days. Let's just say it's been way too many.

Now, to the bigger things.  About 3 days into the lovely Florida weather I butt-called my best friend, who ended calling back - then we talked for an hour. I ended up crying.  Lately, I have felt really alone. The friends that I liked were mad at me, or didn't want to even be friends with me. And then friends that like me, were driving me so crazy. Talking with my bestie helped so much, but it also brought to light a lot of things. I just let those little things eat away at me. And as I had this conversation, my mom was yelling at me for crying (drama), my brothers were brawling and my sister was trying to talk over me. This has been my week. Yelling , fighting and crying. I swear my life could be a reality TV show. Couldn't you see it "WW3: The Radke's"

Have I missed anything? Oh, yes school. I forgot to mention that this week is final's week. Does anyone know of some decent cliffs in FL? (I'm just kidding) So,  add that to my lovely list of things to stress over. If you didn't know already, school for me has been a last effort, scrap it together, pray that I pass kinda thing all year long. The good thing is, I finished government! (Find joy, find joy, find joy.)

The last two nights, I cried myself to sleep. I felt like my life was falling apart. My social life is a mess, my school was unbearably hard and my family was a wreak. I felt alone, I felt like no one would care. I was angry; angry at God. Why would He do this to my family? There have been times where I think "That's not my Mom", but I can't blame her because I know its the grief talking. and then it turn, I get mad at God. For making my family go through this, feel this way. I get mad at God because I act the way I act. When my compassion has run out, I blame God. When I get so angry that I swear like a sailor, I blame God. When I feel like most of my friendships are one-sided, I blame God.

Today, I tired harder. I am now on a Social media break, and I'm planning on keeping that up until I get back.  It is really helping. All I can say is that I am a lot more sad now then I am mad. I'm just. sad. All I can handle right now is that God loves me even though I'm the farthest thing from perfect. Pray for my family and I. We really need it.

But, I have chosen joy. Now I'm going to sit in the the most beautiful backyard I have ever set foot in, in the perfect temperature and chat with my family.
(By the way my mom is awesome, she was concerned that she sounded like an evil witch.)